Recording

Dreaming…

There is that time between Christmas and New Year when I am wanting to sense what the approaching year will bring.
I can feel gears shifting and am excited to feel out into what is coming;
this of course may be a phantom of my mind,
reacting to the illusion of the solar calender “end of year.”
But hey, it’s my mind and therefore my fantasy.

Anyway. I’m influenced by world events in this attempt at prediction. I wonder if others hold their breath while they scan the news for some huge event – a 9-11, a Tsunami – that really suggests a shift in the stakes.

But I’m just as influenced by what’s going on with me and my friends. Who’s sick, who’s had great news – breakdowns or breakthroughs.
I seem to be annually sick at this time of year. If you know me at all, you know that illness has been a major teacher, healer, pain in the arse in my life. One of the major benefits of moving to Topanga is that I have been very healthy.
This recent event is a rare outing.

Yesterday Lee mastered our new CD in London. We started it over 7 years ago and it’s been trundling along in the background ever since. It sounds fantastic. Everything has come together beautifully.
But, I was lying here in California, in agony (I’m not going into details); contrasting nicely with the elation I felt on hearing the tracks.
Labour pains? I felt like the 1950’s husband nervously pacing outside the maternity ward. Damn.
My champagne moment spoilt by real pain.
Many of my best moments in life have had that yin/yang balance. So what does that tell me about the coming year…..

So last night, I dreamt that I was with Jim Morrisson; just hanging out. In the dream, he told me I had a very short time to live; incurable, painful cancer. I decided to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco.
This choice was clear headed with no moral baggage getting in the way.
Do I want to die in loads of pain over a few months or shall I take responsibility and control over how my life end?

Now I’m unsure when the dream stopped and my awakening mind took over, but it went into great detail – saying goodbye to my loved ones, tying up loose ends, etc…
Knowing I had months to live in the dream, I started behaving from a more spontaneous instinctive place; a “fuck you” place.
I wrote from this place more and more directly and honestly about religion, politics, the world we human beings are creating and destroying. My usually carefully weighed up arguments, not wanting to unnecessarily upset those who believe in such institutions, were replaced by furious rants. Another character in me had control of the pen.
And the question arose in my mind – what would happen if I followed this characters direction, shared with people more directly from my being, without censor, in fact, with little regard for the recipient’s response…..?
I’m unsure of the answer. Would my life lead to a greater truth…?
Or just exile and loneliness; I think that’s my fear.
Actually I can see that in the last few years I have been coming more and more from that character in life and in writing: the darker lyrics of the last James CD are his footprint.

There is a book called “The Dice Man” which I read at 21.
It still has a hold in my psyche . The lead character makes decisions and chooses courses of action by rolling a dice.
He then accepts chance and consequence and the character it brings forth from himself.

Oh by the way.
The dream ended with a very exuberant life affirming
J
U
M
P.