Dreaming…

There is that time between Christmas and New Year when I am wanting to sense what the approaching year will bring.
I can feel gears shifting and am excited to feel out into what is coming;
this of course may be a phantom of my mind,
reacting to the illusion of the solar calender “end of year.”
But hey, it’s my mind and therefore my fantasy.

Anyway. I’m influenced by world events in this attempt at prediction. I wonder if others hold their breath while they scan the news for some huge event – a 9-11, a Tsunami – that really suggests a shift in the stakes.

But I’m just as influenced by what’s going on with me and my friends. Who’s sick, who’s had great news – breakdowns or breakthroughs.
I seem to be annually sick at this time of year. If you know me at all, you know that illness has been a major teacher, healer, pain in the arse in my life. One of the major benefits of moving to Topanga is that I have been very healthy.
This recent event is a rare outing.

Yesterday Lee mastered our new CD in London. We started it over 7 years ago and it’s been trundling along in the background ever since. It sounds fantastic. Everything has come together beautifully.
But, I was lying here in California, in agony (I’m not going into details); contrasting nicely with the elation I felt on hearing the tracks.
Labour pains? I felt like the 1950’s husband nervously pacing outside the maternity ward. Damn.
My champagne moment spoilt by real pain.
Many of my best moments in life have had that yin/yang balance. So what does that tell me about the coming year…..

So last night, I dreamt that I was with Jim Morrisson; just hanging out. In the dream, he told me I had a very short time to live; incurable, painful cancer. I decided to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco.
This choice was clear headed with no moral baggage getting in the way.
Do I want to die in loads of pain over a few months or shall I take responsibility and control over how my life end?

Now I’m unsure when the dream stopped and my awakening mind took over, but it went into great detail – saying goodbye to my loved ones, tying up loose ends, etc…
Knowing I had months to live in the dream, I started behaving from a more spontaneous instinctive place; a “fuck you” place.
I wrote from this place more and more directly and honestly about religion, politics, the world we human beings are creating and destroying. My usually carefully weighed up arguments, not wanting to unnecessarily upset those who believe in such institutions, were replaced by furious rants. Another character in me had control of the pen.
And the question arose in my mind – what would happen if I followed this characters direction, shared with people more directly from my being, without censor, in fact, with little regard for the recipient’s response…..?
I’m unsure of the answer. Would my life lead to a greater truth…?
Or just exile and loneliness; I think that’s my fear.
Actually I can see that in the last few years I have been coming more and more from that character in life and in writing: the darker lyrics of the last James CD are his footprint.

There is a book called “The Dice Man” which I read at 21.
It still has a hold in my psyche . The lead character makes decisions and chooses courses of action by rolling a dice.
He then accepts chance and consequence and the character it brings forth from himself.

Oh by the way.
The dream ended with a very exuberant life affirming
J
U
M
P.

13 Comments to Dreaming…

  1. Jan 11, 2011 at 6:58 pm | Permalink

    “Knowing I had months to live in the dream, I started behaving from a more spontaneous instinctive place; a “fuck you” place.”

    I woke mulling over this exact thought this morning. Then I read your beautiful post. I was going to blog on my site about trying to be more compassionate and tolerant this year. But I couldn’t. I was feeling that, for so many reasons, cultivating my inner f*you made more sense. For the reason you describe above, but for health reasons, as well.

    I love that your dream ended with the “life-affirming” jump. And I think that cultivating the inner F*you is an equally life-affirming jump. And we owe it to our sons and the cells in our body to take the plunge. Balancing tolerance while giving voice to the “F-you” is now my goal, my life affirming leap. Let’s all hold hands and leap together.

    Jennifer

  2. jinny's Gravatar jinny
    Jan 11, 2011 at 7:33 pm | Permalink

    WOW……powerful stuff. Your words are incredible, I wish I could write as thought provoking as that. I’m sure this year will be fantastic for you and I can’t put into words what your music has given me the last 18years. Looking forward to the new cd. Stay healthy and happy in 2011 xx

  3. Kathleen's Gravatar Kathleen
    Jan 11, 2011 at 11:46 pm | Permalink

    “it’s my mind and therefore my fantasy.”
    I like that.

  4. Susana's Gravatar Susana
    Jan 11, 2011 at 11:55 pm | Permalink

    I can only say … I’m free, always free.
    “the world we human beings are creating and destroying”….I totally agree.
    I belive you’ll find your way….

    Luna

  5. Neil's Gravatar Neil
    Jan 12, 2011 at 2:22 am | Permalink

    Hey Tim,
    You may tire of compliments, but your writing is so sympatico with your lyrics. I’m so glad you’ve started writing this blog (a silly word, the latter).

    I am an avid fan of your work (I think I’m up to 11 concerts in the US, Canada and the UK, since 1992), and live just north of San Francisco (my favorite place on the planet). So if you are still here, can I buy you a beer and even show you my favorite spots in the city? It would be a day well spent.

    Neil

  6. Jan 12, 2011 at 4:06 am | Permalink

    “Pain leaves a bitter taste in the Liver and I always found that liver left a bad taste in my mouth. ” A cute code to break for your health! I do empathize with your words, here. I too find myself in a public place where I am expected to act out some archtypical role as a “light worker or” spiritual guide” but that is not my role. To aid in the health of others I must be brutally honest with them. I always wondered how you felt if you sang “and with the fat man life is pain” whilst a “fat man” was sitting right in front of you. Many of my clients are over weight or even just out right obsessed with drama, more so than my 3 year old. And I have become brutally honest with people over the past several years to take responsibility for themselves. And my success rate with helping these people has intensified. Yes, Fuck it! Honesty is the best medicine and their reactions can make you laugh and that too is great medicine and so in the process you both heal as a whole. When we look into each other’s eyes we see the truth behind the vail. Speak into that vail and the soul has difficulty being offended and may listen. Look off to the side and be indirect and all will be lost in translation. Anyway , I hope that jumping is a metaphor because your very special son needs a grounded father, Tim. Head in the clouds and feet on the ground and you can dance your infinity in your own back yard as well is in the back of your own mind. There is a twilight where the light and the dark make love in brilliant colors. It’s an ecstatic place to dance. And here you can jump jump jump perpetually!! Pain is tossed off at the wayside. Your music taught me that.
    Peace Tim!
    http://www.qicology.com

  7. Jan 13, 2011 at 4:36 am | Permalink

    You have had me thinking all day. Snow day today so my thoughts blew with the snow. This Character that you are talking about should be allowed to be expressed. In the true art of healing within say 5 Elemental Acupunture one must express one’s Nature. Easy to say but what is Nature? Nature has infinite faces. That is why Buddhists have so many so-called gods that are manifestations of characteristics or behaviors within Nature. The 5 elements are representations of different characteristics within one’s self. You can be a father/son, friend/enemy, employee/ boss; even as a famous singer you can be a fan. Many degrees to be you. The Shaman’s Totem expresses many characteristics. We play out many archetypes within our life time, many roles with many faces. Close your eyes and try to see your true face from birth to death and you will see transition. Change is our True face. You are the whole Zodiac with Aquarius in highest ratio. The persona of the self has an inter-changeable ecosystem. It needs to phase through it’s rhythms. Each emotion is a personality. We allow the seasons of our personalities to intermingle and the synergy of those personalities is you. It is the syntax of the language of the higher self that the illusive self must translate and express. We become whole within the self of the self. We understand the balance of yin yang to be “yinyangyangyinyinyang” forever the pattern of the name intermingles within itself. YOUR music over time tells an in depth story of your intermingling self. You are channeling a code for yourself to decipher but the message is from your collective self. Joseph Cambell’s “Hero with a thousand faces”. You know what I am going on about! Anyway we don’t have to live within these characters but we need to let them live. To play a role within your life story rather than suppress them. The child within you wants affection, the teenager within wants to rebel, the adult wants to nurture and protect and the dinosaur wants to put his feet up and chill out with a good book! Feel free to be free at any given time. ” Do something out of Character, leave it all behind” Believe it or not this quote changed my life.
    Thank you Tim! Keep Dreaming!
    Hey, if you almost die in a dream do you almost die in real life? Yet remember life is but a dream.

  8. Jan 13, 2011 at 8:35 pm | Permalink

    Interesting post Tim. Perhaps this dream is a place to live in, write from and breathe from. When I was first signed to a label I wrote to be kind, catchy and pleasing. Don’t tip the scale or upset the jury…and it went along just fine. 12 years later life changed…I changed..my world changed. I wrote from the place I was in…and like my moods during this time, my music reflected the moments of pain I would find myself in…or the moments of tranquility. I learned to live within windows of time when there was no pain. It amplified the feeling of warmth when I would be without pain and sickness…and it amplified my lyrics and music as well. Here in the states that does not go over quite so well. Listeners and watchers here are interested only when an album or artist flows in the same genre the same moods for the most part…my compositions became different and varied due to the mood. I say write from the darkest place you can find tim…write truth and more than anything…NEVER REGRET ANYTHING IN LIFE…AT ONE TIME IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED!

  9. nic's Gravatar nic
    Jan 13, 2011 at 9:15 pm | Permalink

    wow good read about dreaming . . .powerful stuff . . . .i believe i sometimes dream the future before it happens

  10. dontustheangels's Gravatar dontustheangels
    Jan 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm | Permalink

    Heya Tim, firstly, hope you are feeling much better and i hope you had a wonderful ( albeit unhealthy ) Christmas and new year.
    You will be shattered, i would imagine both physically and mentally after the year you had last year.. something has to give chick, time to take stock and repair body and mind before the exciting times ahead!

    Im sure you are going to fly this year, you have so much support and your music means something which is a rare commodity nowadays, it will speak for itself, have faith ( in yourself) and all will be well im sure of it.

    Take care and good luck,

    And Please dont jump off a bridge … ; )

    x

  11. gabby's Gravatar gabby
    Jan 26, 2011 at 7:15 pm | Permalink

    the idea of that J U M P stops my heart for a second. there’s a film called The Bridge, and it’s like ice.

    and then it occurred to me… what if you did? what if you jumped one day, and what if we could happen to be there, and see it, and catch you – just like the next post when you jumped off the balcony only to fall onto the arms of your fans and supporters. maybe there wouldn’t be a multitude there to catch you, … maybe just enough, just in time. could there be more dream after the jump?

  12. Angela's Gravatar Angela
    Jan 28, 2011 at 1:37 pm | Permalink

    Dear Timothy

    I think it’s a intense and beautiful dream.

    You write about being with Jim Morrison, just hanging out. So you were in the presents of someone you, perhaps, look up or can relate to, who’s advice you would take on, and you felt comfortable. You accepted his massage of you “dying”. Death in our dreams often translates in a change in our awaken life. To make the choice to take your death in your own hands translates into not allowing the “world” to force you in a change-choice, but you choosing (for a change).
    Jumping of a bridge (also meaning making a change) makes you hit the water. Water stands for purification – rebirth.

    As you write ” but it went into great detail – saying goodbye to my loved ones, tying up loose ends, etc.…”
    Shows you take in consideration what effect the “Jump(-change-choice)” means for those around you. Those who matter to you and those who you know you matter to.

    “This choice was clear headed with no moral baggage getting in the way.way.Do I want to die in loads of pain over a few months or shall I take responsibility and control over how my life end?” “Knowing I had months to live in the dream, I started behaving from a more spontaneous instinctive place; a “fuck you” place.”

    Can be a translation of itself. Don’t hold back, don’t wait to the last moment, to do what your heart, feelings and mind tell you, just because of what the rest of the world might think. Don’t let others make your choices. Idd Fuck them! Just be true to yourself and the 3 most important “Rules of life”: “The threefold law” ( Everything You give or do to others will come back to You times 3), ” If harm You none, do as You please” and “No one can build happiness upon another ones tears”

    “And the question arose in my mind – what would happen if I followed this characters direction, shared with people more directly from my being, without censor, in fact, with little regard for the recipient’s response…..? I’m unsure of the answer. Would my life lead to a greater truth…? Or just exile and loneliness; I think that’s my fear.”

    Maybe it’s not about other people, but about you coming closer to yourself and your truth. If others can’t handle that, that’s upon their plate. As adults we can agree to disagree and leave it at that! That makes ones truth not more truthful then the other ones truth. The way our senses pick up information, the way our brains receive and process this information and the considerations that our conscience makes upon that information are for a large part formed on the basis of our frame of reference. Our education, all direct external influences that we have gotten during our childhood, the norms and values taught to us, or that we taught ourselves, determine how we perceive the world, how we think and act.

    In addition, it is simply the difference in our physical being. If I would put 10 TVs side by side, forming the images on the screen by the same principle, the flow of images coming through the same cable, it would still be impossible to adjust all the TVs to produce the images in EXACTLY the same colour and clarity, no matter how often or long you adjust them. So it is with our bodies too.

    If I would make my text blue and ask 10 people to describe the colour of my text, I will hear 10 different definitions of colour. When I would ask for the first word that comes to mind with this colour one would answer, WATER!, While another would say AIR! When I ask if this colour is warm or cold, it will also be answered differently.

    Because we all are human beings, does not makes us the same.
    Because we all have eyes that are similar, we do not see the same.
    Because we all have a brain (“use of” not counted in), does not means that our brains receive information the same way and processes these into the same thoughts or actions.
    Because we are all grew up does not mean we have had the same upbringing.
    Because we all live does not mean we have experienced the same.
    Because we experienced something together that does not mean that the event made the same impression on us.

    I try to be aware of this myself every day, in every situation. And of course I ride an overstepped now and then. Of course sometimes I catch myself responding prejudged, too fast leading to jumping into the wrong conclusions or comments. I correct myself and apologize. And yes I sometimes am embarrassed by my own short-sightedness.
    All the more not less, I try to do right by others by doing right by myself and my believes. I am understanding to what I do not know or ( not yet) understand. I am rejoiced and happy amazed, still, every time, at the diversity and individuality of people and I enjoy and praise those who are themselves in the purest form.

    If you have to filter everything for everyone, you have no life or self left. Be yourself in the purest form!!

    “Actually I can see that in the last few years I have been coming more and more from that character in life and in writing: the darker lyrics of the last James CD are his footprint.”
    Darker really? I think they are just deeper and more “honest”, less metaphorical, more direct. But that could be just me.

    Anyways, this post had become wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy longer and more blabla then I intended it to become,
    and my cat is getting a little irritated by the lack of hugs she’s (not) getting,

    So thank you form sharing with us so openly,
    Love, Peace and Harmony,

    XAngelaX

  13. Zab's Gravatar Zab
    Feb 14, 2012 at 4:18 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for coming to MONTERREY Mexico … Thanks Tim!!, Thanks James!, Thanks GOD!

Leave a Reply